damn heroin, need some support. - The Smoke Lounge

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beneath
Stranger

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 5
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month

damn heroin, need some support.

#587378 - 09/19/11 11:10 AM (13 years, 3 months ago)

was on heroin then went on methadone, wish never went on methadone. maybe check out previous posts from a while ago about it if u want more background.

I was on 50mg and came down to 20mg in 5mg reductions every month. i was reducing my 'done because i might be going to visit family in Australia,can't take methadone with me.

Everything changed, my mental state went completely fucked and i started using heroin again, projectile vomiting extremely painful stomach cramps, wretching, pain, sleep almost completely vanished, really suicidal. blew all my money again after i just sorted it out after my last binge. etc etc

Everything seemed to be fine with my reductions then out of nowhere i started to rattle really bad, even though it was tolerable all the other reductions 25mg to 20mg, seemed to bring on all the withdrawal at once or something,

I'm just writing this to put it down on 'paper' that i just shot my last 0.25g and took my 20 mg methadone. When i was taking the H i miss my Methadone dose so I get a better hit, anyway that last hit sucked. it sucks. the whole lifestyle doesn't go anywhere, I've had my fun and know i should get out while i can.

I have blunted emotions or my mood is all over the fucking place, it feels like i was having a mental breakdown. i hate being a fucking slave to this shit. It took me away from playing my music and i live for music but music is emotions and mine are fucked.

I Can't bear to live like this, this is no life. it started out great then just nosedived. I just keep thinking " what the fuck have i done to myself, what a stupid fucking thing to do" what was i thinking.

I'm just gonna stick to my 20mg methadone then i want to come of that, tapering seems like a drawn out torture, I'd rather just quit everything bu my mental state goes crazy, I've already got mental health problems, i basically came out the psyche ward and onto heroin, now I'm at this position. Almost 2 years have past and it feels like it wasn't that long ago i got out of hospital. Heroin Freezes you in time and creates a warm euphoric diversion while raping your soul.

I don't know how to live properly anymore, you get out of the habit of living and doing thing cos you can just sit about doing nothing and feel good on heroin.

My brain just feels scattered, i can't eat right, i just feel absolutely destroyed, and i KNOW that it can get worse, but if it did then i think it'd be enough to drive me over the edge.

I just want my life back, i want to feel okay enough to eat and be able to play and record my music

man i don't know.

(if you just gonna judge me and not have any constructive help or opinions then just don't post please)

edit: when i was reducing my methadone i'd start withdrawing a bit before my next dose and when i took my dose, i actually got a bit of a buzz and i think that had something to do with waking up the dragon a bit more too

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