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this nearly brought me to tears with laughter when i first read it.
Quote: Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...
Anyway... If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.
Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.
I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??
So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!
So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...
As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.
I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:
I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....
At that point things get even worse...
The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....
I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...
she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???
At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol
she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!
I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...
At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"
I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...
she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..
I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.
She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.
about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.
All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).
to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....
This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.
anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?
I've got nothing quite that lolsy. I'll think of one and edit this.
Oh I know one hahaha.
I was in like 6th grade, and got some girl to go to a halloween thing with me. They had the biggest corn maze thing in our state I think. That year it was shaped like a train I can remember.
So I had been kinda sick, but I really wanted to go out with this chick so our parents dropped us off at the place and we went over to get some food. I didn't wanna eat, because I was sick, but I did anyway. The she wanted to go in the maze.
So, after about 15 minutes in there, I had to go #2 real bad. REAL bad. Mostly because I was sick. It got worse and worse and worse because I was lost in a horrible maze of corn . I didn't know what to do, it got to the point where there was no holding it anymore.
I told the girl I had to take a leak, and crashed off out into the corn real quick. She was freaked out because it was mad dark in there and she was alone so she wanted to come with me. I had to tell her no I was a shy pisser
So I crash off out into this field to take a dump, finish up, realize I've got no TP. I couldn't use the corn leafs they were all crumbly and sit it wouldn't have worked. So, luckily, I had my pocket knife. I cut off my boxers and used them. IDK why I cut them off, I guess I didn't wanna take my boots off.
I went back out to her, and she had no clue. Or, didn't let on that she did.
I guess mine was more succssful than that poor bro up there.
-------------------- Of course it's happening inside your head.
Why should that mean it isn't real?
Quote: A guy took his blonde GF to her first football game and asked her how she liked it ? 'Oh, I really liked it especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, he asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!
Quote: Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...
Anyway... If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.
Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.
I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??
So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!
So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...
As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.
I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:
I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....
At that point things get even worse...
The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....
I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...
she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???
At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol
she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!
I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...
At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"
I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...
she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..
I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.
She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.
about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.
All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).
to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....
This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.
anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?
omg this is SOO funny! I never really laugh while reading but omg this brought me to tears too! LMAAO can I please have the original thread? I wanna see people's reactions to this xD I feel so bad for him xD
I just sneezed hella hardcore, hit my face against the computer screen and yelled at the dog I don't have. I think I'm insane... Or I could just be high, haha.
When I was about 6-7 years old, my mom told me a story about my dad. She told me how he had gotten into a bad motorcycle accident when he was in his early twenties. He was driving home from his girlfriends house when he came to a red light. He was behind 3 cars and decided to pass them all on the left once the light turned green. Unfortunately, a women in the other lane ran a 'yellow' light and was out of his sight. As he entered the intersection, he collided with the car in the other lane and was ejected twenty feet into a telephone pole. He collided with it head first and was not wearing a helmet...he was air lifted to a hospital and nursed back to health.
I couldn't help but think, "WTF?". I didn't know what too think of it and just went to the bathroom for a second. The next week was the weirdest fucking week of my life. Everyone seemed very...detailed. It was like I was looking at them with this huge hidden power I had deep inside me. I couldn't help but wonder what they would if they knew what happened to my dad...blah blah blah.
Anyways, I started contimplating my existence and what role my father's accident had in my creation as well as my relation to my mother. I came to the conclusion that I was the result of natural selection and one handsome dude. I figured I'd live the rest of my life interacting with girls by keeping in mind the possibilites of creating relationships around the good nature I had developed towards my parents and their relation to me and the accident. I loved it too.
The best part about it all was when I was in school. I know how much some people talk about hating school, but I took the viewpoint of doing everything with the attitude "don't fucking fly into a telephone pole and you'll be alright. I'm just here to learn right? Well, I'm not going to learn much if I make the same mistakes as my dad. So, take every oppertunity and don't overdo. If an asshole tries to overwork you...you know what to do. Well, not to 'do', but will 'happen'.
Learning about all of the previously mentioned stuff has really opened my life up to new stuff. I've stayed virtually accident free and developed some interesting relationships with people. But, it's also opened pandora's box of total WTF shit. I guess that's just life though.
As of right now, I'm trying to combine the good nature and progression that was displayed by the task force (police, EMS, fire) in helping with the accident into my own life. That's kind of where my whole fascination with pot has come into play. I look at it as a hobby, one that involves both destruction and education. So far, I've come to the conclusion that I know how to cover my ass.
Hope you all enjoyed that. My dad's a perfectly normal guy. He can be a little weird, but only when it comes to serious stuff.
I woke up, ate, masturbated, tried to get high, but couldnt because I have no weeds, oh yeah and yesterday I found a job at a greenhouse...hmmm what else, oh yeah its raining outside... end of story
heres a cooler story about almost dying, in HS I almost died 3 times, after Highschool I acheived death for a short while twice, now Im alive...end of story
Heres an embarrising story not only is it true its a cool story brah, when I was in preschool we used to go to the YMCA, whle in the locker room after swimming I was taking off my swim trunks and somehow my undies with some shit stains were laying on the ground on the opposite side of the room, the guy who takes us there picked up my shit stained underwear and held them up asking whose underwear it was so everyone could see the poo streaks on my titey whiteys, I was so embarressed I couldnt collect my undies and just free balled it the rest of the day
twice in car accidents, once drinking too much, once OD of the Xtasys, and another an OD on hairon, when I ODed on X i basically was in another world which I can only think of as being nirvana, yeah and there was another time when robotripping was the newest craze and after 2 hours of me not feeling the whole bottle of cough gels I drank a fifth at a party, and filled a bucket with my puke while fading in and out of conciousness
I once ate some lawn shrooms and was the virge of death for 6 hours straight. It turned my bowels into liquid and I was vommiting non stop. I didn't trip at all either. Once the excretion ended, I was totally out of reality due to dehydration and exhaustion. It was horrible; probably the most pain and fear I have ever been in my entire life.
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. I didn't know what to do, it got to the point where there was no holding it anymore.
