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Kinda like when you are refining an old drug or making a new one for yourself and realize it's the chemistry process as a hobby that you enjoy more than the drug itself yet, you didn't go to college and study chemistry because you liked the drugs more than you did the chemistry and college thing at the time? Something like that maybe?
Life is a handle of Wild Turkey and a fat joint with an emulsion separating on top of the cheap washing machine that is vibrating nicely on repeated spin cycles.